


I Loved Him When I Left Him

by hourglassmermaid



Series: Do You Miss Me Like I Miss You [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Magnus Bane, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, POV Magnus Bane, Post-Break Up, post 2x18
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-07
Updated: 2017-10-07
Packaged: 2019-01-10 04:56:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12291714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hourglassmermaid/pseuds/hourglassmermaid
Summary: “I check in from time to time. Some of those times just so happened to be when you and the Lightwood boy were in some rather … compromising positions,” Ragnor threw his hands up into the air, “Or maybe I'm just a lecher. I don't really care which you believe, I'm dead.”“Did you seriously astral project into my living room just so you could mock my sex life?”---Magnus needs a friend (or three) after his fight with Alec to help steer him in the right direction. Should he trust the Seelie Queen? Should he get back together with Alec?One thing's for certain, Magnus is gonna need another drink.





	I Loved Him When I Left Him

**Author's Note:**

> Part two of my series [Do You Miss Me Like I Miss You](https://archiveofourown.org/series/819999), that deals with the immediate aftermath of Malec's breakup in 2x18. This installment focuses on Magnus! You absolutely don't need to have read part 1 to read part 2, the only continuity (which is addressed in this fic) is that Jace took Alec to Hunter's Moon to try and take his mind off of things. 
> 
> Title comes from [Havana by Camila Cabello ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HCjNJDNzw8Y).
> 
> Thanks as always to my amazing beta [Meyer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meyer)!

In Magnus Bane’s 400+ years on earth, he had learned a few universal truths. First, no matter how you were feeling, sad, glad, or anywhere in between, a whiskey on the rocks complemented any situation. Second, acid washed jeans were a travesty and about the only thing that truly deserved to be burned at the stake. And finally, when your stupid, beautiful shadowhunter boyfriend lies to you about a weapon that could decimate your entire species, you dump his ass and have that whiskey on the rocks. 

Magnus had just learned the third universal truth within the last couple of hours, but it deserved to be on the list, nonetheless.

Magnus had spent most of the night wrestling with the early stages of grief. He tried denying that Alec would ever lie to him over something so important, but that had blown up spectacularly in his face. Clearly Magnus thought too highly of Alec, because Alec had proven that he wasn’t above lying to the man he loved. Magnus had shared his deepest, darkest demons with him, had cherished him above all else, had… forget it. 

Magnus’ humiliation at the deceit slowly morphed into rage, and he expressed his hostility by burning a brand new skylight into the ceiling of his apartment. Maybe he’d patch it up later when he was more in control, or maybe he’d just learn to live with the new home renovation. Maybe he’d keep it as a reminder to remain vigilant against his heart. 

With a drink in hand, Magnus reflected on the events that had transpired earlier in the day. A declined call. A child in need of aid. A lone walk towards an elevator. Two declarations that didn’t make a world of difference during the current climate. And a decision that Magnus still wasn’t entirely sure was the right one.

Anger bubbled up inside him once again, rage overtaking his entire being, and he felt the glass shatter in his hand. Alcohol splashed all over the arm of his chair and slid down the velvet sleeve of his coat. He winced as the shards of glass pierced his skin, blood pooling on his palm. He cursed Alexander Lightwood’s name and shot a blue ball of energy from his uninjured hand, effectively breaking a vase that had been decorating his mantle. 

“I gave you that vase as a gift for your 273rd birthday,” a familiar voice mused from behind him. Magnus craned his neck to find Ragnor Fell casually leaning against the doorway to the kitchen. 

Magnus relaxed a little after identifying his intruder. Was Ragnor really an intruder if he was an apparition? Or just a vivid hallucination? No matter, Ragnor was Ragnor, and Magnus appreciated the visit. 

“You gave me that vase for Christmas. You know I don’t know my own birthday,” Magnus replied. 

Magnus walked over to his pantry and grabbed a dustpan and broom. As he started to cleanup the mess from his whiskey fiasco, Ragnor asked, “Why don’t you just use magic? In fact, you could just reassemble my lovely gift with the flick of your wrist.”

“That vase was hideous, it can stay broken. Besides, this helps distract me from my thoughts.”

“Ah, yes.” Ragnor pushed off the wall and strolled over to Magnus. Crouching down beside him, Ragnor said, “Not that I’m particularly used to you listening to me when I give you advice, but I did expect that when I told you to fight for love, you wouldn’t give up so easily when you found it.” 

Magnus snorted. “All those years teaching at the Academy must’ve made you soft if you're seriously defending a shadowhunter right now.”

“Not _a_ shadowhunter, _your_ shadowhunter.”

“Alexander isn't my anything,” Magnus said dryly as he got up to dump the shards into the trash barrel, “except maybe a headache and a pain in my ass.” 

Ragnor rolled his eyes. “He's certainly _caused_ a lot of pain in your ‘ass.’” 

Magnus, who had been in the process of healing the slight gash in his hand, promptly lost control of his magic at Ragnor’s implication. The pair watched as a small, gray sphere of energy bounced off of all of the surfaces in Magnus’ living room before shooting out his balcony window into the great beyond of New York City. When he had composed himself well enough to speak again, Magnus asked, “What, have you been haunting my apartment for a free peep show?” 

“I check in from time to time. Some of those times just so happened to be when you and the Lightwood boy were in some rather … _compromising_ positions,” Ragnor threw his hands up into the air, “Or maybe I'm just a lecher. I don't really care which you believe, I'm dead.” 

“Did you seriously astral project into my living room just so you could mock my sex life?” 

Ragnor took a seat on the couch. “I came here to ask you what the hell you’re doing, Magnus.”

“At the moment? Sitting in my tastefully decorated apartment enjoying a strong drink and wondering when I’ll finally get a moment of peace.” 

Not that Magnus wasn’t happy to see his oldest friend; he just wasn’t in the mood for a lecture. Especially not a lecture about his crumbling love life. Since Ragnor’s passing, sometimes Magnus felt as though he was living out the rest of his days with a part of his soul missing. Ragnor had always understood him in a way that none of his other friends had truly grasped. 

Ragnor had been with Magnus for all of his major ups and downs. Breakups with Camille. Adventures around the world. _Makeups_ with Camille. Ragnor had remained by Magnus’ side throughout all of it, and it wasn’t until Ragnor was back chiding Magnus in his loft again that Magnus realized how much he needed his friend during this time. 

Ragnor’s face softened. His eyes crinkled at the corners and he gave Magnus a small, sympathetic smile. “You’re breaking. You love him, but you love our people. He hurt you, and you’ve been hurt enough times to know that he’ll probably do it again. You want to be a strong leader, but you also want to be happy.” 

“Well you seem thoroughly caught up on the situation,” Magnus said as he started towards his balcony. Magnus felt a hand on his shoulder and turned his head to face Ragnor.

“You don’t have to lonely to be an effective leader.” 

Magnus let out a cynical laugh at that. “I’m not lonely, I have plenty of friends. And plenty of warlocks who need my protection. And plenty of clients in need of my expertise. How can I be lonely if I have so many people relying on me?” 

Magnus shook him off and headed back out to his balcony. Ragnor followed. 

“But you don’t have anyone that reminds you what it’s like to live, your immortality be damned. Not besides him.” 

Magnus whipped around at that, anger simmering to the surface once again. “I don’t need a lying champion of the Clave with a holier-than-thou attitude in my life. In fact, I’m better off without that _shadowhunter_ ,” Magnus snapped, malice dripping from his lips. 

“You and I both know that’s not true.” Ragnor’s voice was gentle, his face welcoming yet reserved. It pulled at Magnus’ heartstrings a little -- just a little -- but not enough to shake his resolve. He was furious with Alec, and Ragnor’s unique brand of geriatric wisdom wasn’t going to change that. 

Before Magnus could spout out anymore venom at Alexander’s expense, there was a knock at the door. Magnus and Ragnor exchanged a look before Ragnor said, “I do believe you have a visitor.”

“Duh,” said Magnus, “what, you didn’t learn what a doorbell was until you crossed over? Honestly, Ragnor.” Magnus shook his head as he started towards his front door. 

Ragnor trailed him, ghosting behind Magnus. “I know you don’t believe it, but you can have both,” Ragnor said. When Magnus turned to look at him again, he was gone. 

“Goodbye, old friend,” Magnus whispered before greeting his next visitor. 

“ _Dios_ , Bane. Who were you talking to just now?” uttered a certain suave vampire dressed in a perfectly tailored Armani suit.

“Nobody, Raphael.” Considering that Magnus didn’t fully understand Rangor’s visits himself, it would be an exercise in futility trying to explain it to Raphael. 

“I knew you were ancient, but I didn’t realize you were senile, as well.”

“If I’m so old maybe I should start playing bingo with Rosa,” Magnus quipped. 

“Leave my little sister out of this, _Viejo_.” 

Magnus crossed his arms. “Did you just come here to insult my age or do you actually need something?” 

“Well, if you’d invite me inside your lovely home, then maybe we could have a proper conversation.”

“Fine.” Magnus rolled his eyes and gestured the vampire inside. “Please, Raphael, would you do me the great honor of entering my humble abode?” 

“Thank you for such a polite offer,” Raphael said as he brushed past Magnus and took a seat on the couch. Magnus swore that every interaction he had with Raphael aged him by at least half a decade. 

Magnus shut the door behind them and sauntered over to his liquor cabinet, appraising his collection until he settled on a finely aged Scotch. He conjured up a chilled glass and began fixing himself another drink after destroying his last. “Want anything, Raphael?” Magnus called, “Wine? Vodka? Bloody Mary? Blood, neat?” 

Raphael raised an eyebrow. “Do you have a stash of blood in here?”

Magnus took a sip of his drink and revelled in the burn of the alcohol as it stung his throat. 

_You hope the pain here will overpower the pain there_ , Magnus’ own words to Alec sounded. Magnus shook his head. He was drinking to forget Alexander, he sure as hell wasn’t going to relive one of their memories together. 

Magnus made eye contact with Raphael and realized that he had taken too long to respond. The vampire stared at him with the slightest hint of concern present in his eyes, and Magnus took a deep breath to compose himself. He couldn’t keep losing himself like this, letting himself think about Alexander. 

“Of course not. Cat’s working tonight, so if I _borrowed_ a pint from the blood bank, she’d take care of it.” 

“In that case, I’ll have a Cabernet Sauvignon mixed with some AB+, _por favor_.” Raphael leaned back against the couch and stretched out his arm. Magnus waved his wrist and conjured a wine glass between Raphael’s fingers. “ _Gracias_.”

“ _De nada_ ,” Magnus said as he took a seat in the chair across from Raphael, “Now, what brings you here so late at night? Certainly it could’ve waited until our Cabinet meeting tomorrow?” 

“Well, I have a few issues we should discuss. First, I wanted to check on you,” Raphael said earnestly, leaning forward in his seat. 

Magnus was taken aback. Yes, Raphael had made a career out of being a professional ass, but Magnus was also intimately familiar with Raphael’s fiercely loyal, deeply compassionate side. So, it wasn’t the prospect of Raphael’s concern that startled Magnus, but a question of _how_ did he learn so quickly of their separation? 

“How …” Magnus started, not sure how to phrase the question because he didn’t quite know what he wanted to ask. 

“Apparently Jace took _tu amor_ out for some drinks at the Hunter’s Moon and half of the Downworld overheard him sobbing over you,” Raphael said coolly. 

Alexander turned to alcohol to mend a broken heart? Alec wasn’t much of a drinker -- even though Magnus certainly was -- so he’d usually just stick to light wines and champagne. Was Alec really in that poor shape? 

_No_. Him and Alec were over. Why should Magnus care what Alexander Lightwood did to get over him? Even though it was a decidedly unhealthy coping mechanism that Magnus was all too familiar with himself … No. He wasn’t going to focus on Alec. 

“Oh?” Magnus said, staring at his glass, purposefully avoiding Raphael’s gaze. He would only be able to maintain this facade of apathy if he detached himself from direct contact. “He’s an adult; he can do as he pleases. Why should I care how he passes the time?” 

“So, it’s true then? You and Alec have parted ways?” Raphael asked. He took a sip from his glass, waiting for Magnus’ response. 

“He made his alliances known, and so I made mine.” Magnus decided that being cryptic was the best way to discuss the situation. The wound of Alec’s betrayal was still so raw, and Magnus was certain that he would break if he had to acknowledge it outloud so explicitly. 

Raphael looked heavenward. “ _Dios_ , Magnus. Why do you always do this to yourself?” 

“Am I to understand you also want me to reunite with him?” 

Raphael wasn’t one for relationships, so Magnus had never expected the vampire to chastise him for ending one of his own. If anything, Magnus had expected Raphael’s support given the circumstances. 

Raphael’s eyes widened in surprise. “‘ _Also?_ ’” he repeated back to Magnus. 

_Fuck_. Magnus had told Raphael that he hadn’t been talking to anyone, hadn’t he? Panic coursed through Magnus as he tried to come up with a convincing enough lie to quell Raphael. 

_I spoke to the ghost of our best friend or maybe just my own hallucination of him_ , simply wouldn’t suffice. 

“I- err, spoke with Lucian earlier, and he tried prodding me towards forgiveness,” Magnus stammered. Raphael didn’t seem wholly convinced, but he accepted the excuse nonetheless. Tension subtly drained my Magnus’ shoulders. 

“Fascinating. You’re turning to Luke before me now? I’m wounded.” Raphael took a sip of his drink. 

“Oh, please,” Magnus scoffed, “Luke called _me_ after he found out from Clary.” Magnus was having an easier time maintaining this lie than he expected. Probably because Raphael’s challenging nature always ignited something in his blood. Like a father trying to straighten out his smart ass son, Magnus supposed.

“True, I care about your happiness and well being, but alas, no. I’m not here to tell you to get back with your shadowhunter. While I respect Alec as a leader, some wounds,” Raphael swept his hand across his face, clearly referencing the incident where Alec pummeled Raphael senseless after finding him curled up with Isabelle, satiating each other’s addiction, “are still healing.” 

Magnus nodded. “So, why else did you come, Raphael?” 

“I come to you tonight as the Leader of the New York Vampire Clan. I have some concerns about your alliance with the Queen that I felt were better discussed in private before we met with the rest of the Cabinet.” 

“I’m listening,” Magnus said, leaning forward in his chair. 

“I don’t trust her, Magnus. I don’t trust her as far as I could throw her, which, considering she is always in the company of at least six Seelie Knights, is not at all.”

“This disrespect is unwarranted, Raphael. She has graciously offered her protection to the Downworld in exchange for our allegiance,” Magnus said, his voice tense. 

He would stand his ground on this issue. Yes, he was upset Alec had lied to him about the Soul Sword, but what really cemented his choice to break off their relationship was that Alec had been clouding Magnus’ own judgement on matters regarding the safety of the Downworld. Magnus wouldn’t let Raphael talk him out of this. If Raphael convinced him against allying with the Seelie Queen, then that would mean that he had broken up with Alexander for nothing. Magnus couldn’t take that. He loved Alec more than anything else on this God forsaken earth that he had been cursed to walk for centuries, and if he realized that severing their bond was all for nought, Magnus would shatter. 

“Why are you defending her?” Raphael queried. 

“Because I will not stand for the injustice of your ingratitude towards someone who has offered nothing but aid to our dire situation!” Magnus countered. 

“ _Dios_ , Magnus! Can’t you see she’s just manipulating us? She clearly has a plan, and we’re just pawns in her sadistic little game.” 

“Or perhaps she’s offered us her help simply because she is a fellow downworlder, not everyone has ulterior motives, _Chiquito_.” 

Raphael glowered at the jest but composed himself a beat later with a deep breath. Magnus knew he was being irrational, but he didn’t care. He would fight Raphael until dawn if that’s what it took to convince him. Magnus’ inner circle was caving in on itself, so he couldn’t stand to lose Raphael too. 

“Magnus, you’ve been here for me since I was a fledgling, and I trust you with my undead life--” Raphael began. 

Magnus rolled his eyes. “You certainly don’t act like it,” Magnus muttered, mostly to himself. Magnus could tell that Raphael had heard him, but Raphael had apparently chosen to ignore him as he continued on with his previous train of thought. “ _Dios mío_ , I hope you’re right about her.” 

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Magnus nursed his drink to completion while he contemplated Raphael’s concerns. “I hope so too,” he finally admitted. 

Truth be told, Magnus didn’t trust the Queen either, but he felt the Downworld was out of options in this unrelenting war with the Circle and the Clave. Magnus was desperate, so he had turned to the last shred of hope they had in avoiding demon blooded extinction. 

Raphael glanced down at the watch on his wrist. “It’s getting early, and I have other matters to attend to before our meeting later.” 

“I understand, let me see you out,” Magnus said as they rose to head for the door. 

Raphael began to exit but pivoted back around first. He surveyed Magnus and with a tight smile said, “Take care of yourself.” Then he took his leave. 

Magnus shut the door behind him and slid down to the floor, hugging his knees to his chest. Was everyone questioning him? Did they have a right to? Was his authority being threatened? Had he made a grave mistake? Had he just sacrificed his own happiness for nothing?

One thing was certain, Magnus needed another drink. 

Magnus collected himself off of the floor and shakily walked back over to his liquor cabinet. An excruciating headache pounded through his skull. He needed something strong to dull the ache, both in his mind and in his heart. He settled on a vodka cranberry, using one of his stronger proof bottles. Once he was satisfied with the concoction, he sauntered back over to the couch and collapsed. He set his drink on the end table and closed his eyes, attempting to enjoy this rare quiet. 

However, his resolve was instantly broken with a knock at the door. 

_Good God, can’t the High Warlock of Brooklyn get a single moment of peace?_ he thought to himself sardonically.

Magnus didn’t care who it was, former Archduke Franz Ferdinand could be at his door for all he cared, his uninvited guest was going to receive the full extent of Magnus’ irritation. 

“What do you want?” he asked as he swung the door open, not bothering to identify his visitor first. “Oh, it’s _you_. Come in, I guess. I know I won’t be able to stop you.”

“That’s one way to greet a guest, it’s nice to see you too, Magnus,” Jace said as he stepped through the threshold. 

“I've had so many visitors tonight maybe I should start holding formal office hours,” Magnus muttered. 

“Not that I ever went to college, but isn't the purpose of office hours for students to ask the professor questions? My guess is that all of your visitors have been here to counsel _you_.”

Magnus whirled around. “You think in your two decades as a shadowhunter, you’ve learned something that could rival my centuries old wisdom?” 

“Yeah, I know Alec.” 

“Of course that’s why you’re here,” Magnus huffed, “I’d offer you a drink, but I’m at my wit’s end, so if you want anything, make it yourself.” He gestured towards the liquor cabinet. 

Jace put up a hand in protest. “No, thanks. I just got back from dragging Alec’s drunk ass out of Hunter’s Moon and back to the Institute. I’m all liquored out for one night.” 

Magnus felt the color drain from his face and his eyes widen. He sat back down in his chair. “ _'Drunk?'_ ” he repeated, “Alec never gets _'drunk.'_ ” 

Alec never had more than a drink or two on their dates. He was much more of a social drinker, indulging solely because Magnus had offered, rather than drinking for his own enjoyment. Raphael had said that Jace and Alec were spotted at Hunter’s Moon but had neglected ito offer the detail concerning Alexander’s level of intoxication. If Alec truly had gotten “drunk,” as Jace so bluntly put it, that would mean Alec was trying to stitch himself back together with a poison needle. Ripping at the oh so toxic seams. 

He felt nauseous. As angry and as hurt and as betrayed as he felt, Magnus still loved Alec heart and soul. Unfortunately, no level of separation would ever change that fact. If Alec was headed towards a self-destructive spiral on Magnus’ behalf, Magnus couldn’t just sit around and watch the fall out. He had to intervene, or at least prompt one of Alec’s confidantes to, in proxy. 

Jace followed Magnus’ example and sat down on the couch across from him. “Well, when he’s hung up on how he royally fucked things up with you, apparently Alec does get drunk. When I found him earlier, he was drowning his sorrows in a pack of Bud and shooting arrows like he never held a bow before,” said Jace. 

“If Alec’s so vulnerable right now, then why the hell are you here? Why aren’t you watching him? He could hurt himself!” 

Magnus was furious. Who the hell did Jace think he _was_ , showing up at Magnus’ door to berate him when Jace had abandoned his own brother in his time of need? If Alec really felt that helpless, he could do something rash. Magnus had seen first hand how Alec dealt with pain after the catastrophe that was Max’s rune ceremony party, and Alec wasn’t even directly responsible for Jocelyn’s death. Magnus couldn’t bear the thought of how Alec would try to cope when he was at fault. 

Magnus was half a second away from swallowing his pride and conjuring up a portal to take care of Alec his damn self, but Jace spoke up instead. “Calm down, Alec’s fine, I promise.” Jace gestured towards the spot on his torso where his _parabatai_ rune lived. “I even tucked him in with a hug and a kiss.” 

Jace was being cheeky, and Magnus didn’t appreciate it. Magnus’ world was falling apart, and he didn’t have time for Jace’s irritating flavor of moronic bro humor, but the reassurance did ease Magnus’ nerves -- just a little. 

Magnus took a deep breath and gulped down half of his drink in one swallow. Jace’s eyes bulged in surprise. What, had he never been in the presence of a seasoned drinker before? “So, you’re here to tell me how horrible I am for breaking Alec’s heart and that I need to run back into his arms immediately?” Magnus asked. 

“Not exactly. Look, I get why you’re upset. Alec did fuck up, he fucked up really bad. But he’s sorry and he loves you. _By the Angel_ , Magnus, I think he loves you more than anyone else.”

“That sounds a lot like you're telling me to get back together with him.” Magnus didn't meet his gaze. Instead he fixated on the cocktail in his hands. 

“Yeah, it does. But I guess what I _want_ to say is don't give up on him.” Jace leaned forward on the couch with his hands in his lap. He looked up at Magnus with perhaps the most honest yet pleading expression he had ever seen the shadowhunter make. 

Magnus swallowed. “I won’t.” 

The moment he said it, he knew it was true. Magnus couldn't give up on Alexander Lightwood even if he wanted to. In such an astoundingly short amount of time, Magnus’ life had become so intertwined with Alec’s. It was terrifying. Never before had Magnus fallen so hard so fast. 

And never before had things come crashing down so suddenly. 

Magnus had a lot to think about. Jace seemed adamant that Magnus and Alec reunite because Alec was a miserable mess without him. While tempting, it wasn’t a compelling enough reason for Magnus to gamble the lives of his people. 

Then there was Raphael, bless his undead heart. Raphael, who had barely acknowledged Magnus’ heartache, which was comforting in a way that Magnus couldn't exactly pinpoint, but whose gut didn't trust their alliance with the Queen. A whole other issue for Magnus to worry about. As a leader, were his decisions sound or was he making a grave mistake?

And what was Magnus supposed to make of Ragnor’s ramblings? Ragnor didn’t seem to give a damn that Alec’s betrayal endangered his people -- their people. No, Ragnor was transfixed on Magnus’ own happiness. 

Would reconciling with Alexander even make Magnus happy at this point? No, he didn’t think so, not under the current circumstances. But then again… 

The only thing Magnus was certain about was that he had no idea what to do next.

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked this fic, come find me on [Tumblr](http://hourglassmermaid.tumblr.com/) for more (mostly) Shadowhunters fun~


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